Review: Tim Burton’s ‘Dark Shadows’

You know how Pirates of the Caribbean was a Disney ride before it became a Johnny Depp film? Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows, which also stars Depp, could easily be the reverse: a movie that inspires a theme park ride. Just like an amusement park attraction, Burton’s flick focuses more on spectacle than it does on substance.

The movie opens with Barnabas Collins (Depp) over-dramatically narrating his back story. In the 1700s, his family leaves Britain to settle in colonial Maine. After arriving, they establish the town of Collinsport and start a lucrative fishing business that allows them to build a palatial manor called Collinwood.

Flashing forward, we see Barnabas as a handsome man with loving parents and the woman of his dreams. He doesn’t remain happy for long; because the jealous witch Angelique (Eva Green), rips away everything that’s important to him. She transforms Barnabas into a monstrous vampire and convinces the townspeople to bury him alive. Unfortunately he sits undisturbed until 1972, when construction workers unwittingly free him.

Barnabas returns home to find his beloved Collinwood in shambles and a group of dysfunctional descendents living there. Once he discovers that Angelique has stripped his family of their wealth and reputation over the centuries, Barnabas vows to restore their good name and to defeat her. Everyone in the Collins clan is puzzled by his strange clothes and mannerisms, but they rapidly embrace his positive thinking and fierce loyalty.

As you might guess, the majority of the humor in Dark Shadows is derived from the culture shock that Barnabas experiences as a result missing 200 years of history. It doesn’t get any funnier than Barnabas quoting Steve Miller’s song “The Joker” or reeling in disgust from glam rocker Alice Cooper, who he refers to as “the ugliest woman I have ever seen.” However these jokes start to get old as the movie goes on.

Despite his ugly bowl cut and outdated social skills, Depp oozes his bravado as Barnabas Collins, even when telling someone to kiss his ass, “You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!” Michelle Pfeiffer works well as the present-day Collins matriarch in spite of her lack of intelligent dialogue, but her rebellious daughter played by Chloe Grace Moretz is annoying. Honorable mention should go to Johnny Lee Miller who is perfect as Pfeiffer’s sleazy, thief of a brother and Jackie Earle Haley who’s a riot as the family’s drunken groundskeeper.

Depp isn’t the only Burton regular to return for Dark Shadows. Burton’s lady friend Helena Bonham Carter portrays the booze addled psychiatrist living with the Collins family, and composer Danny Elfman handles the music. Stylistically, Dark Shadows is very similar to other Burton films, which gives it a bit of a stale quality. Everything is very gray like in Edward Scissorhands and the score has a madcap quality to it reminiscent of Beetlejuice.

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of Dark Shadows is its villain. Green does a fine job as the diabolical Angelique; however her motivations aren’t very complex. When she finally confronts the Collins family in a magical showdown, the special effects are incredibly cheesy. Her cracking porcelain form looks like a cheap rip off from Death Becomes Her.

Since I haven’t seen the 60s British soap Dark Shadows is based on, I can’t really speculate on its quality as an adaptation. Although I can certainly say this movie isn’t Burton’s finest work.  At least it’s funnier and less bizarre than his previous flick Alice in Wonderland.

✭✭ ½